Bidets Can Help Us Cope With Coronavirus Toilet Paper Shortages

Basically a jacuzzi for your butthole, modern bidets can improve hygiene, help the planet, and replace toilet paper when there is none left.

By Jessie Schiewe

Did panicked shoppers buy up all the toilet paper? Get a bidet. (TUSHY)

When you finish pooping, you probably wipe and then flush. It’s a daily routine you’ve likely followed your whole life, a seemingly normal, commonplace way of handling your business and keeping things clean down there. Wet towelettes might be thrown into the mix on occasion, but for the bulk of Americans, going to the bathroom is a simple two-step process. 

Traditional French bidets look a lot like fancy foot baths, no?

We’ve been practicing this dry-wipe method since the end of the 19th century when the earliest forms of toilet paper were introduced on the market. Back then, you could buy 1,000 sheets for $1 and had to worry about the risk of splinters in your butt. 

Though it took some convincing at first, people eventually climbed on to the T.P. bandwagon, fueling the growth of an industry that is now worth $31 billion, Fortune reports.

Today, our reliance on toilet paper is so extreme that the average American is said to consume around three rolls a week, or 50 pounds a year of the stuff. We use up more toilet paper than any other country, wiping our bottoms with as many as 36.5 billion rolls a year nationwide.

This, of course, is not good for the environment. Nor, it turns out, is it good for our butts — being neither sanitary, efficient, or cost effective. Thankfully, there’s the bidet. 

And, with coronavirus spreading across the globe leading people to panic-hoard and buy up all the toilet paper, bidets might be your best bet for keeping your tush clean in the coming months.

Redditors discussing toilet paper shortages and how a bidet can help solve that problem.

Common in Europe and Japan, bidets were invented in France in the 18th century as a means of more thoroughly washing and cleansing one’s bottom after dropping a load. More hygienic than the dry-wipe technique employed by most Americans, bidets can also remedy constipation, prevent hemorrhoids and urinary tract infections, and make your butthole feel like it just went to the spa. 

Buoyed by start-ups like TUSHY and Sonny, and the longtime industry standard TOTO, bidets have been catching on in recent years, but for the most part are still a rarity in the United States. 

“Most Americans know little or nothing about bidets at this point,” Ewan Grantham, a bidet proponent in Texas, told OK Whatever. “There is some growing awareness, but the usual postings I see are folks who don’t even know why there’s an extra switch on the toilet they saw while on vacation.”

The traditional French bidet resembles a small, oddly shaped toilet that is missing a lid. It’s usually located next to the toilet, and instead of sitting on it, you straddle it, allowing streams of water to squirt up unto your backside and genitals. 

However, such stand-alone bidets can be costly and labor intensive, requiring extra space in one’s bathroom and additional plumbing work to set up. And, if you rent or lease your home, good luck convincing your landlord to let you install one.  

Modern bidets connect to a toilet’s existing plumbing foundation and are easy to set up by oneself. (TUSHY)

Luckily, there are now alternatives.

For customers with smaller budgets and tiny bathrooms, companies have started manufacturing modern bidets that clip underneath toilet seats and are controlled manually or electronically with switches, valves, or remote control. In addition to water jets, some modern bidets have functions like catalytic converters that suck out gases in the bowl or fans that dry your butt using warm air. These can be purchased for less than $100 on Amazon, or you can even build one yourself. 

“You don’t even need a man when you got a bidet,” actress Tiffany Haddish told PEOPLE in 2018, confessing that she bought her first one for around $298 through Groupon. “It’s the best. I feel so clean and fresh.”

Depending on how well you know the person, modern bidets can also make for great gifts. During a 2017 appearance on the late-night talk show Conan, the actor Jake Gyllenhaal revealed that he purchased one for Boston Marathon Bombing survivor Jake Bauman, whom he portrays in the film Stronger. 

“This toilet is extraordinary,” he said. “It’s a bidet. It has a seat that automatically rises when you move towards it. It’s heated so that when you sit on it, your butt is warm. There are so many amazing things about this toilet.” 

For the elderly and disabled, bidets can allow for greater autonomy when using the restroom.

“As people get older and frailer, it’s harder for them to do good personal hygiene, particularly if they have arthritis,” Dr. Mary Tinetti, chief of geriatrics at Yale Medical School, told the New York Times in 2012.

With a bidet, it’s easier to clean yourself on your own, which can reduce the need for assistance from others and increase your independence at the same time. 

Going to the bathroom will never feel the same once you try a modern bidet. (TUSHY)

Commonplace in nursing homes and some hospitals, bidets can also be used as safer washing alternatives than showers and baths, which can be dangerous for those with poor balance and limited mobility. 

Pregnant women and new mothers are also big fans of the bidet. At a time when every body part feels swollen and enlarged, they make going to the bathroom — and navigating around those obstacles — easier and less taxing.

Bidets can also clear up, or even circumvent, common pregnancy maladies, such as constipation or diarrhea. After childbirth, they can soothe soreness of the perineum (or birth canal) and help new mothers manage postpartum vaginal discharge. 

“Pregnancy has really revved up my IBS symptoms and that little piece of plastic on the back of the toilet bowl has been amazing,” a pregnant bidet user gushed on Reddit. “I friggin [sic] love it and try to time all my No. 2’s for when I’m home.”

Though some may do it differently, the correct way to use a bidet — be it modern or traditional — is in conjunction with toilet paper, generally after you’ve finished wiping.

Japanese brand TOTO has been manufacturing modern bidets since the 1980s. (Ewan Grantham)

This means you’ll still have to buy toilet paper regularly, but on the plus side, you’ll be using far less than you normally would, helping you to save money and cut back on visits to the store.

One bidet customer who purchased an attachable model off Amazon said he now uses less than one roll of toilet paper a month. 

Reducing your reliance on toilet paper has a beneficial impact on the planet, as well. It cuts back on our consumption of limited resources, like trees and fossil fuels, which are used not only during the manufacturing process, but also to distribute and transport the product. 

You’re even conserving water by choosing a bidet over of a huge wad of toilet paper. Merely creating one roll of toilet paper takes far more water than is needed to operate the nifty bathroom gadget multiple times. 

Freaking out about resources is normal. But with a bidet, you don’t have to worry as much. (Reddit)

Take all of this into account and using a bidet may seem like a no-brainer, but it still has a ways to go in the U.S.

Convincing others that there is a more hygienic and planet-friendly alternative to the widespread practice of simply wiping and flushing is an uphill battle that the bidet industry currently faces.

As Grantham himself has experienced, “most [people] aren’t convinced they need to change.”  

But coronavirus might change this.

No one wants a dirty butt, and when panicked shoppers have bought out all the existing toilet paper in your town, at least those with a bidet will still be able to stay clean.

This article was originally published on July 10, 2019

JESSIE SCHIEWE IS THE EDITOR OF OK WHATEVER. SHE BELIEVES IN MERMAIDS & THRIFT SHOPS FOR EXERCISE.

More OK Whatever: